My life since 1 year from now has been going so wrong I can't even believe it. I don't know if I have been making the wrong choices or something, the truth is my life is going in a direction that I've never wanted. Somehow I feel unable to change it now.
I came to London in order to have a better life, invest in myself and follow my dream of becoming a performer of Arabic and African dances. But one year ago I met Habibi. He is from Tunisia and the same age as me. He is illegal. He was in a very bad situation when we first met and I've been helping him as much as I can since then. Because I wanted, because I felt sorry for such a nice man, not that he manipulated me or something.
He is cute, sensitive but still the strongest man I've ever seen, he is so clever and funny. And I know he has strong values and I can almost put my hands in the fire that he is never going to cheat on me. His family is lovely as well and has always been so welcoming of me.
The problem? I'm living in a small studio in London (everything is small as hell!!) and my life now is only about working and going home. I don't have time to meet my friends, and when I have that opportunity I basically need to ask for his approval. I don't have dreams anymore and this is the perfect time for me, I'm afraid I won't have 2 chances to build my career.
My thoughts: to have this kind of life I would rather stay in my country next to my family.
On the other side I know that he is probably the most respectful and faithful man I will ever know and I actually do appreciate him a lot (love?), and I know I'm gonna regret every day if I leave him.
So the thing is, which path should I take?
Oh lovely, I really do feel for you. Whatever choice you make, it's going to be life changing. If I was giving you an honest answer, I would say choose path 3.
ReplyDeleteSo, the fact you said that he makes you feel you have to ask permission to see friends should be sending off alarm bells. I've been in an abusive relationship before and they were the first signs, which I chose to ignore, that was eventually a very bad spiral of me almost losing myself into the abyss of giving up. You WILL find someone that will love you for the person you are, not for who they want you to be.
It's super hard to be able to come to the realisation that you have to become selfish until you've found yourself with a firm foundation. Perhaps you could rent a room in an apartment with some cool people, focus on your career and building yourself into the person you want to become.
We only have 1 chance at this crazy little thing called life :) Whatever it is you chose to do - make sure that you're outcome is what's going to make YOU happy - not someone else.
M - x
Mark, thank you so much for this beautiful message!
ReplyDeleteIn fact I'm very sad for coming to the realisation that my life might (and maybe should) go on without him. We shared really beautiful and deep moments since we met and in only 1 year we have such a long story to tell.
And the fact that his family is so good with me and the fact that he shares this arabic culture (which I admire since I was a child) and he makes me feel and see things that I LOVE, it makes it difficult for me to say goodbye.
And he is good. In general, he is not a bad guy at all. He is just a man, you know.... a tiny bit sexist and jealous. You know how it works.
But I've always felt like I can't bow down to a man in any way! And I certainly can't give up on my dreams and on what makes me happy for anybody.
Well, it's a very difficult situation and I know that I'm gonna be passing through a very difficult moment soon, but I must stand for myself.
Thank you so much for your words and your inspiration Mark <3
Nour