The story behind my recent house change

So I recently had to leave my lovely space - which I was loving to call "home" - due to the end of a 7-month contract. Unfortunately I couldn't renovate it as Habibi stopped working and I couldn't afford it all by myself; also our relationship has came to an end, so no point of keeping the place.

Our relationship as recently come to an end, but we are still sharing the same room. Actually we are still sharing everything as normal, only keeping in mind that Habibi is going back to Tunisia at any time.
He wasn't showing any signals of worry about finding a new place, as we had to move in 1 week time. So I was the one under stress trying to find something viable but not too expensive - I'm definitely not in the mood to spend all my money when I see him not worrying about anything and having this amazing do-whatever-I-want lifestyle.

So I finally got this double room which is not too expensive and very close to our last place. I came to view the property and I wasn't very impressed - the kitchen was small and full of dirty dishes, the toilets also didn't get my approval (although they are not dirty, they look old),  the house in general wasn't a palace. The decoration of the room wasn't lovely - red carpet and purple curtains (!!!).
But oh well, this is not a permanent place.
And that's why I picked it - no contract necessary, minimum stay 1 month (not 6 as I usually see), and 2 weeks notice necessary (not 1 month). The fact that my actual situation is so unsure, I need to stay in a place where I'll have the right flexibility to plan and move. I won't be trapped for months and months of contracts in a place I don't want to be. I can easily move out.

The funny part? 
2 days after I finally got the place, I was going home from work just to find out that Habibi had left with his stuff - he went to Immigration.
I was crying so much, my life lost meaning for a bit. I couldn't believe my eyes.
Luckily he went too late and nobody "served" him. He had to come back home.
So we are still together, but he is going next week - for good.
I asked him to stay until my birthday, which is next Friday 5th June.

After that it will be a completely new life.

Life lately

Life in the past weeks hasn't been making it easy for me.

Me and Habibi have been talking about moving outside London, perhaps Manchester or Liverpool. Definitely cheaper and easier to have a deep breath without having to excuse myself. Honestly, and as I said before, I'm not in love with London anymore. Nice for a single person who doesn't have a future to worry about and has all an availability to go out and enjoy this huge city. For me it's time to look for a better place for myself in a less crowded environment, where I can focus in building my future.

Also Habibi had the stupid idea to leave his job 2 weeks ago, out of nowhere! He is illegal, so it's not that easy for him to get another job. Until this very moment he didn't find anything, so here we are with no future to be seen.

I'm giving up

My life since 1 year from now has been going so wrong I can't even believe it. I don't know if I have been making the wrong choices or something,  the truth is my life is going in a direction that I've never wanted. Somehow I feel unable to change it now.

The hard times of life

I recently read a post by Petals of Perfection about "Why it's ok not to be ok...".
It's a subject that often crosses my mind but I've never written about it. We all have these particular moments when we feel not so good and we - unfortunately - have the tendency of closing ourselves and hiding our feelings.

Me, I've always had a low self-esteem (responsible for my 10 years depression) and lack of auto confidence which made me close my doors to the world and the world's doors to myself. I've almost turned into a wild scary creature apart from society ,  but I was lucky enough to find a way out (I'll give depression subject a proper post later).
My point is I know how it feels like when you go down to the very bottom. I know the panic, the insecurity, the terror it gives you not being able to find the right path.

Life lately #1

# new job, routine, missing home, my ex (again).

I'm going through a very difficult time at the moment.
I got this new job in the cake department of a party shop which kind of inspires me to bake. Also my team is ok, I have a good time with my colleagues, so I'm happy. However my workplace is far away from home, and I don't get paid as much as I would like. No good. So I'm worried and looking for another job.

Also it has been difficult to conciliate everything. Habibi too, he is not in a very good moment of his life. So between both jobs, home and other activities, we end up not having time for each other. Actually we don't have time for anything, we have to pick the little opportunities to actually do something. Well, big mess!

Unsure about my future with Habibi

My relationship with Habibi is not bad.

He treats me very well, he is honest and sweet.

But my heart doesn't know what it wants.
These last period I've been suffering with this mix of feelings that I can't handle.

To be honest, I never had that "passion" for him.

We met in a very cute way in the end of April. I really liked his attitude and the way he looked so calm and respectful.

Habibi doesn't like my friends.

So Habibi decided that tonight, after he come back home from work, we should buy some Vodka and get drunk as we did before in not so nice places - when we were living in the Hostel, we used to go to the park during the evening to get drunk with some privacy - as we didn't have the opportunity to do it in our comfortable "new" place.

I didn't want to - I don't even like drinking - and I didn't appreciate his sudden wish to get drunk, but I decided to, as usual, accept and act according to his will.

We came home, I happily cooked as he was tired from work, we had dinner and we started drinking.
My friend Melissa, the only person from my country living in London that I have as a friend, called me and we chatted for 5 minutes.
As usual Habibi got mad. He doesn't like her and he doesn't hide it.

"Charlie Hebdo", Muslims and the attack in Paris - my opinion

I'm trying to keep myself cold in this subject.

To be honest, all this thing ... I don't buy it.

I don't understand what people have in mind when being cruel - and I mean killing or other kinds of cruelty, even physical or psychological torture - since it doesn't come to my mind to hurt any kind of life.

This world has always been lost. It's not new that we, humans, have the power to destroy everything, including ourselves. We kill, we steal, we hurt, we torture, most of the times with NO reason. I mean there is no excuse to do such a thing, but I still get surprised when I see people doing whatever they think they can do, without even thinking of the others.

Christmas + Habibi

I'm really disappointed.

It's already difficult for me to spend Christmas away from my parents and my sisters, and it had to be even worst as Habibi seemed not to give a shit about it. We fought again, this time in Christmas eve.

My older sister couldn't come to Skype last night - she lives in Luxembourg with her husband, 1yo son and 10yo step daughter -  which was already bad, as she was with her husband's family and unable to spend Christmas with us. So my parents and younger sister were by themselves at home, with no spirit at all.

Back in London, I worked until 7pm, Habibi until 9pm. I came home and put on Christmas songs while secretly redecorating our place in a very very warm way, which I hoped Habibi would like.

Update – December 2014 summary

I’ve been so unable to get online and write for the blog, I’m so sorryyyyyyy L

This has been a crazy month, full of tomanythingstodoatthesametime, a lot of worries and a lot of emotional disasters.

Starting by my job. I’m not happy at all, I don’t like most of the people there, I don’t see myself working there, I don’t like it. Everyday it’s a huge challenge for me to get ready to go back to that place. I’ve even been late a lot of times this month due to my inability to leave home knowing that I’m going there. I also had fights with the managers and whatever, they’re not professional anyway. They are not more capable than me, to be honest. Anyway I told them I’m leaving my position in the company. I’m just waiting for the end of the year to give my resignation letter.

Coincidence from Hell? - My Ex!

I'm still in shock, I can't stop thinking about it.

Last Thursday, 11th December, I was working as normal in what happened to be a very quiet day in the shoes store where I work. I was in charge of the front floor, next to the entrance, where I NEVER work, I'm always in charge of women's section, in the top floor. But thi
s time there I was.

In the middle of the afternoon, with no customers to serve, I got distracted with something else, when I noticed 3 young males coming in and staring at the shoes. I decided to go and offer them my help, as I am expected to do. I heard them talking, they were from my country! YEAY, exciting!
I was actually 3 meters away when I saw the
face of one of them.