Life lately (extra messy)

No, nop, not really.
I refuse to believe in how my life just turned into this huge mess in the last couple months.
Seriously, it just became ridiculously unbearable.

Remember me and Habibi splitting?  Yeah, he is still here.
Why? Well, he decided to present himself to Immigration (he has been illegal in the UK since before I met him) as he wants to go back to Tunisia. However, they didn't do anything at all, they just said they couldn't help him. So he came back, and he is now in contact with Refugee Action, an organisation that promises to pay for the ticket back home if he decides to go back. This process takes a bit of time (couple months? more maybe?) as it involves some legal procedures.



SO, the point is: he will have to stay somewhere while the process goes, and I had to accept him back as he doesn't have a place to go, couldn't leave him in the streets like a dog.
Our relationship is over though, and all that period I was suffering because he wanted to leave just made it clear for me. I understood my future is not by his side, so since the end of May we are officially not in a relationship. And there's so many things I'm trying to get distracted with! Projects, dreams, memories.
He is now trying to find a job to help me with the bills and to save up some money for himself (nobody wants to go back home with nothing in their pockets).
Worst case scenario: he will stay with me until the end of July/beginning of August, period in which I will stop my current job and will go back home to visit my family.

I decided to quit my job as I'm not happy with the conditions they have been offering me. Not sure what I'm going to do next but I'm not really worried right now. I just know my life urgently needs a huge change - it will definitely change somehow!

2nd of August I'll be flying back home to stay with my family for 2 weeks, coming back on the 15th. I am so excited, but at the same time so petrified! I'll be going to the beach (how I miss it!), seeing friends after so long, visiting Lisbon, the city of heart! I couldn't feel more excited but at the same time so nostalgic. It will definitely be intense!

Plus, and believe me there is a bomb coming up, something overwhelming happened.
I'm usually never aware of my dreams. Every night is a completely empty space for me; but when I dream, it's always damn creepy and meaningful! And last weekend I had a dream - my ex Kevin was with me and somehow he died.
(remember Kevin? Here, here and here).
I woke up so hurt and scared, I decided I would pick his number that I found couple weeks ago in my SD card, and just send a message to check on him and make sure he was fine.
Positive, he is pretty much the same as before - great job, great family, great life.
So we've been talking the last days.

The problem is I am so different now. I changed a lot since I moved out from my country. I became an adult and calm person with loads of serious things to worry about. Kevin is now awaking that young stupid and completely wild girl that I used to be. It's not necessarily bad, I kinda like to feel it again, but it brings also so much suffering. He is playing with my hormones, bringing back my sexual side and all that Russian roulette of feelings I used to have.

I am getting crazy, I swear! 

Today he didn't really pay much attention to me, we didn't really talk, and I just caught myself completely nervous all day, frantically waiting for him to message me. How ridiculous is that?!


This is my crazy life these days. Not sure what's going to happen during the next weeks, let's hope for the best.
If you're a fan of a good soap opera then stay along for the next chapters!

See you soon,